Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
