So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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