Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
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