there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize