Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
