Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
