I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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