woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
only you would photoshop your dick
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
You took a bar mat shot.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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