hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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