I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
