I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
