So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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