she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Randomize
