I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize