I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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