I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
