just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
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