So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
