I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
