Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
