I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize