so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
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