i would punch a child for taco bell
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
