i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
