Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
