Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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