i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize