If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
