It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
