I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
