Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
