did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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