It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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