I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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