My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I would ride that face into the sunset
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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