Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
