I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
