Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
