someone get that fucking seahorse.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
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