I will die if light touches me.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
