I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
