Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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