He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
