i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
