Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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