I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
