There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
