Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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