true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
