Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize