FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize