I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
