Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
