so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
