There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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