He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
