we have officially mastered the walk of shame
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
