party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
