Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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