My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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