I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
