Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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