...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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