She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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