I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
