Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize