I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
A bitchslap is in order.
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