got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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