sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
